I know its incredibly naff, as camp as Christmas, and with a voting procedure that makes a Birmingham council all-postal vote by-election look fair, but its real ‘car-crash’ television and if you just catch a glimpse you are drawn in. Or is that just me?

Anyway, I think Moldova were robbed. Forget about the gimmick of having grannie on stage to bang her drum, I actually liked the song. It is not too different to some of the stuff I listen to anyway, being a bit of a mix between Mano Negra, Gogol Bordello and Red Hot Chilli Peppers. But then I like drums anyway. I could happily have watched that Ukrainian drum ensemble they had on towards the end for hours, although the gymnastic dancer they had on was pretty amazing.

I still hold out hope that, one year, everyone will take the competition very seriously and enter proper musicians. Imagine Turkey having Tarkan sing for them, while France have Manu Chao or CharleLie Couture, Germany get Die Toten Hosen or Joachim Witt or Claudia Brucken in for them, Ireland have U2, Spain have Ojos de Brujo, Iceland have Bjork, and the UK have Neil Finn. Denmark could get Metallica in under Lars Ulrich’s passport, Sweden could get Neneh Cherry, and Portugal could have one of their fabulous fado singers whose names escape me at the moment. George Michael would sing for Cyprus, obviously, and the Netherlands could try to persuade us that Van Halen is a Dutch name.

With all that, Albania would still vote for Croatia and Greece.

(Yes I know Neil Finn is a Kiwi, but he must be about as British as Zola Budd or Lennox Lewis if you start climbing his family tree.)