Jayne keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, and I know that “a decent lie-in, no flashing lights all over the house, and no fuss” is not an acceptable answer. It is a real problem time of year, everyone thinks that I secretly enjoy it but like to put on a bah-humbug act. I don’t think they appreciate that I really do dislike Christmas quite profoundly.

I don’t know what I dislike the most: the bombardment of twee pseudo-Dickensian images, the assumption that everyone wants nothing more than alcohol and television, the encouragement of blatant mercenary tendencies in children, or the paper hats. Or maybe it is the overwhelming commercialism which leads us to forget the true meaning of Christmas – a whole week off work.

As far as presents are concerned, I really have everything I need, all I can suggest is to add to the unwieldy collections of books, films and CDs I already have. The best presents I have had in recent years have been things which I never would have thought of asking for or things I didn’t know I needed until I had them – like a Zippo lighter or the wooden giraffe Jayne got me a couple of years ago. It sounds trite to say that its the thought that counts or that the best gift is the unexpected one but…

Anyway, I tried to list things I might enjoy and was surprised to find so little to put on it.