From time to time, stories crop up about the questions asked of people who want to become UK citizens. At other times there are all sorts of suggestions about how those questions should be different, or for having other requirements, like A-Level standard English. From what I have read, even though that has mostly been just headlines of course, I would fail miserably in just about any circumstance, despite having been born in Britain and then lived here for more than 60 years.

The language thing is a good place to start. I failed A-Level English Literature. I did get the top scores in O-Level and CSE English (language and literature) but I have no idea about grammatical terms like gerund and future imperative tense, or whatever. I think I am fluent but I’m pretty sire I would fail an A-Level.

As for history, I had the usual experience of history classes in primary school and the first three years of secondary school but I could not give you the dates of any kings or queens, or of battles, or of things like the Enclosure Act. I actually read two books about English/British kings and queens just this year and still couldn’t say whether Charles II comes before Edward II or after. I am just not interested in what royals get up to. So why did I read the books? To see if I could make myself give a shit about this aspect of history. I couldn’t. For most famous battles I couldn’t really tell you who the teams were and who won.

I understand that there are also questions about UK law. Another subject I know little about, because I don’t really need to know. I know even less about Scottish law, except that it is different. I don’t embark on any criminal enterprises so don’t really need to know the different types of criminal court, appeals processes, and so on. I know enough to ask for a lawyer if I get wrongly arrested and that is about it. Most of what I do know is though reading fiction, so it might not be 100% accurate – and even if it is, I know a lot more about American legal and Police procedures through that route – rather than from being taught civic studies at school. Which I wasn’t.

All of this has been pointed out by lots of commentators, politicians and aspiring politicians, who then suggest that citizenship tests should, instead, concentrate more on British culture, whether it is the classics or popular culture. I think I would struggle a bit there as well…

I don’t watch any of the soap operas. I did watch Eastenders for a few years on the 80s but that is about it. I also do not watch any of the reality shows or talent shows. So no Strictly, no Apprentice, no Traitors, or anything like that. I watched some of the first Big Brother when it sounded like it might be an interesting social experiment and again when a friend of ours was on it, and I watched a bit of I’m A Celebrity when Johnny Rotten was on it, because Johnny Rotten was on it but that’s it. No Made in Chelsea, no Only Way is Essex,

I do not know the difference between X Factor, The Voice, Britain’s Got Talent and Pop Idol, though I suspect Simon Cowell is on most of them. I know the names of some people who were on them (Susan Boyle, Gareth Gates, Chico) but not which show nor whether they won or not. I have a blind spot when it comes to manufactured bands too. I know many of them came through TV shows but not all of them. So I have heard of Liberty X, Little Mix, Five, but as far as I can see they are all the same. I do know that Take That and the Spice Girls pre-dated the rash of TV talent shows so were probably manufactured in isolation. But probably by Simon Cowell.

I also don’t go out of my way to watch all those antiques programmes, home makeovers, and similar, which I always think of as daytime TV. I have seen bit of them, but they all blur into one.

Let’s put it this way, when Richard Osman introduces his guests on House of Games it is rare when I have heard of more than one of the four. And after House of Games I sometimes catch a bit of the introduction to the Strictly spin-off show and in most cases I honestly do not know which one is the celebrity and which is the dancer unless one is very obviously too old or large to be a professional dancer.

I am not proud of this. And I am not trying to be snobbish or elitist. It just doesn’t appeal to me. I read some absolutely low-brow books and really like plenty of absolute pop music like Betty Boo. I just know that if my life depended on answering questions about ‘popular’ culture I would fail miserably. I generally do OK on Pointless but as soon as it is a round about reality TV or soap operas I know I am doomed. All of this is because there is just so much choice these days you do not all have to watch or listen to the same things. While I was growing up there were three TV channels, and then a fourth came along when I was in my twenties. Now there are dozens of linear channels on cable, satellite or Freeview, and thousands of films and shows on streaming services, not to mention all the content on YouTube and the rest of the Internet. For at least thirty years it has been affordable to buy VHS and then DVD and then Blu-Rays so if I find myself watching old episodes of Bottom, concert films, or the latest Reacher series on Amazon instead of the Apprentice the only harm it does is to my chances of winning Pointless.

In theory, this all means that I should be expert-class on 70s and 80s TV because back then we did all watch the same thing. The trouble is I just can’t remember it that well. I know I would have watched all the episodes of Minder and Shoestring and Bergerac or Dad’s Army, Blackadder, Red Dwarf, and the New Avengers but I couldn’t remember the plots of any of them. I certainly can’t quote huge chunks of dialogue or recall the episode names of Pertwee-era Doctor Who. If I catch an old episode of Porridge on TV I can usually join in and supply the punchlines.

And yet, despite all those failings, I think I fit in. I get by. I do not feel alien even though most of what I do know about recent entertainment is through some sort of osmosis. And I fail to see what is gained by asking somebody who want to come here to know things that I do not. They might be a mad sports fan and not interested in Emmerdale so why would they want or need to know the name of the pub?

I think that if I had moved to Spain, or France, or Bulgaria, or Australia, I would have learned about the place but only over time and through experience, and even then only the aspects that interested me or that I needed to know. I will admit that I probably would not have integrated much, but then I mostly keep to myself here.

Anyway, there is no point to all this. Just me thinking aloud and making it up as I go along, and having a bit of a suspicion that the whole concept of citizenship tests is just a mask for xenophobia, with the tests themselves being stuffed full of unconscious bias in the same way that IQ tests are.

All I do know is that to be truly culturally British you have to spend half your time talking about immigration and the other half talking about how you can’t talk about immigration. Apparently.